I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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