I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
