I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
