you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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