can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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