I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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