census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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