I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
