Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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