Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
