getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
