last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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