If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
