Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
