Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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