shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
