I'm eating all of the evidence.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
