I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
