i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I believe in your delicious
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
