my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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