I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
