the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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