i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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