i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
