One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
