First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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