are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
