Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My pussy is not your playground.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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