I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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