pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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