Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
