I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
