just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
