Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
