i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
