He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
