Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
