if you like me you must not know who I am
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
