Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
