I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
