Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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