The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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