Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So apparently I’m into choking now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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