My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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