I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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