Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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