I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
