The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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