we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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