fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
