Will you blow on my dice?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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