i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
