I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
