im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
